I realize it has been a while with no updates. As this blog is a wee old as well. I continue to write at home periodically. First Chance to post this blog, with out internet at home. Since this was written cancer matters have continued to get worse. My current tumor marker numbers are now at 121. I am currently pondering whether radical chemo is worth the time and hell. It is my last alternative, with no promises it will even help. Sadly this may be the beginning of the end.
June 6th 2009
In my last blog I began by saying there had been so much going through my mind. I ended by mentioning how I felt resilient to my current news. The fact that the cancer is once again progressive (spreading). That being true, there is still another side to those aforementioned thoughts and feelings.
It’s a wishy-washy ping pong effect playing out within my mind constantly. Not sure anyone else can understand it unless they too have had to live and deal with a terminal disease. Emphasis on “Live”. Almost crazy I tell ya. The battle is still a battle as long as I am fighting it. The current negative details of it spreading and occurring in new places just did not surprise me. I always knew it would inevitably turn for the worse. So I was mentally prepared for that. Physically beefing up my battle plan and moving forward with that. A power house mentality.
It’s the emotional issues that are so daunting. They play havoc with my brain, my heart and tear ducts. A life laid out according to the customary expectations of us all. I gave up on my fairytale long ago, but growing old with grandchildren in my life is something I never let go of. Watching my youngest graduate from High School should be a given. Planning my older daughters wedding when she finds her fairytale. Standing proud beside my son as he follows his dreams and becomes more successful. Aren’t those the dreams all parents have when they hold their newborn babes in their arms. We dream of what will become of them and how wonderful it will be to watch and love them along the way. I took it for granted I would be there for all their milestones, because…well… that is just the way it is supposed to be. That’s part of being a mother.
Being me; the mother I am today however breaks my heart a little. Maybe a lot. I think it is so unfair for my children to have to deal with all this. (I am not saying it’s unfair I have cancer. Only unfair for my children) Even more haunting that they might not have me there in some of the most important moments of their lives. I feel I have let them down. I know they would be the first to scream out that I am not letting them down by no means. Still it is my heart and I am allowed to feel as I do. I know when they marry, their day will be marred by my absence. Just as any other monumental day through out their lives. Never my intentions to not be there, but if I lose my battle that’s just the way it will be. It’s those moments that have yet to be born that haunt me.
How do I prepare to die? How do I prepare my family for my death? Can anyone answer this? We all know death is inevitable. We are only human and that is the circle of life. It’s not like I awake each day with thoughts of dying. Far from it…I have been fighting too damn hard to live. At 44 years old, I think I am still too young to even be thinking about making my funeral arrangements. Yet I need to take care of that now while I am well enough to do so, as to not burden my children at my passing. That is just one of the things on my mental “To Do” list. Since I have very little left, a Will seems ridiculous, but need to make one all the same. Those are two things most people in general do. It saddens me that I have nothing left of real value to leave my children. So it’s the little things that I have to remind them that are the most precious. I pray the love I gave them in the past is going to be enough to last. This Christmas past as I packed all my decorations away I sat down and wrote a letter to my children. It was one of the most lonely and tearful nights as I placed that letter atop a box of special Christmas memories. Since my health had already took a turn for the worse I was not sure if that might be my last Christmas Holiday. I wanted to remind them how special that season always was for me and hope they kept that magic alive through all the years to come. How I wanted them to divide my holiday collections and so forth. Most importantly I did not want them to be saddened when the holidays came. I want them to love and cherish that special time of the year the way I always did and share all our memories with their own children. See I should not have had to write such a letter. I mean really how many people do that when packing away their own Christmas decorations. Beyond that, my mind is constantly turning and making notes for them.
Just as I feel that each day I am blessed with, I am cursed all the same. I feel like I am not getting enough time with my loved ones on a daily basis. That I am stagnant and not making memories. Sucks (for lack of a better word) that the desire for living those moments that will create fond memories is effected by monetary means. Mind you cancer itself is very costly, especially without insurance. It had already broke me, then the current economical recession sunk me even further. So I sit here with no means of making my own personal dreams come true.
I am not being shallow. Any time with my family is a wonderful blessing, whether we are just watching a movie together or hanging out.
Let’s put the money issues aside… all those things I once did that I can’t do anymore because of my physical limitations. Big ass Bummer. Then throw in all the things I always wanted to do and assumed I would have the opportunity to do. Well now I can’t achieve them either because of my physical limitations. Talk about frustrating as all get up. That angers me and saddens me. If I sky dive my back will break. White water rafting, same scenario is possible. I was a runner, now I can’t run at all. Mountain biking through mountain trails…have fun I can’t do that now. Can’t put on ice skates again unless I want to sit on the bench and look stupid. Never learned how to snow ski and now I never will. Those are just a few…a very few frustrating thoughts that dance around in my head. Taunting me like a bully. I can’t lie, it gets to me. Those who have known me well know that I can’t stand to be told I CAN’T do something. So it adds aggravation to an already tormented state of being.
I do my best to come up with new ideas to replace the old ones, but my best is not always good enough in that arena. How can I forget about those thrilling plans I had and not be disturbed by the fact I am suppose to replace them with mediocre attempts at something far less thrilling.
Then come those lonely, lonely moments that sneak up and scare me. I have brought it up before and I am sure I will again. That thing called LOVE. Sure wish I had it. True Love with a wonderful man by my side to hold me when I am scared. To show me I am never alone. To just do those small things for me when I feel so damn tired. I know that last sentence will shock those who know me. However cancer has broke me in more ways than financially. You heard it here first. I can and would allow a man to do things for me. I don’t have to be so hard headed anymore. Something I long for now…that man that would want to do things for me. I am so very tired deep in my bones from this struggle and going through all this alone, all the time. When I see a couple totally enveloped in their love it cuts through me like a very dull knife. It is yet another reminder of something I know I may never have again.
Yes I have my family, but that’s different. It’s just me and my 13 yr old daughter at home. My two oldest live on their own. They work and have their own lives to tend to on a daily basis. So with the time my daughter spends at her fathers as well… it leaves me much to many hours on my own, with myself. That is such a dangerous place to be.
It just dawned on me, perhaps my skin has not thickened so much against the outcome of this disease; only the fight. Maybe, just maybe my soul has finally accepted the truth. Unbeknownst to me it has revealed itself as a scared little girl. With so many hopes and dreams yet to live. Afraid of the big bad wolf called cancer.
I am Lost.
Angela Andrews-Pifer