Jan. 16, 2007 ~ In Search of a Special Kind of Man

Felt maybe I need to write this, for a few reasons.  Perhaps I will discover something about myself. First off, I am not in a desperate search for a relationship.  I have been single for a  long time.  Did not date at all for almost 2 years.  So please get that  I do NOT need a man to complete me.  I am pretty damn complete all on my own.  I can do anything and everything for myself.  I can probably do more then many men.  I change my own oil in my truck (yes I climb under it, drain it and replace the filter).  I can flush a radiator, etc….  I can repair anything around the house.  I can electrically rewire a house, an appliance, etc….  I can do some plumbing and I can replace a roof on a house. You get the point right.  I can definitely take the garbage out.  

This is the deal.  Matters of the heart.  I want to feel love again. However I refuse to settle, which is why I have been single for a long time.  Now I have dated lots.  And why do I date?  Because I am in search of the one special guy.  Not just a few special times, not just good times.  I am ready for it all.  But here is the thing.  It truly is going to take a very special and remarkable man.  A man that can deal with the fact that I Do have cancer.  He has to accept that my life is not always so normal.  For the most part these days it is good.  But I don’t want to have to try and hide the fact that I may not feel so well one day.  It may just hit me and I feel tired and just plain ill.  I don’t want to pretend I feel perfect if I don’t.  If I don’t feel like smiling, it would be nice for that special man to know that, and maybe attempt to make me smile. That is where the need comes in, and I have never admitted needing a man ever!!  I need a man to love me like there is no tomorrow, because there very well may not be for me. And he has to know and accept that too.  I have been fighting this fight pretty much alone for almost one year.  No one to hold me at night when I am lonely and sometimes scared.  I can only imagine how wonderful that must feel to have someone to turn to like that.  See the man has to be strong enough to love me now, knowing that by chance he may very well lose me to this disease. But appreciate the love while we have it.  It may be something he never experiences again, it could make him a better person.  One who loves with their whole heart for the moment that lasts through eternity.  I know I am asking a lot and I know I may very well never have that.  That is what hurts the most, what is missing in my heart, the love of a good man. 

I may have cancer, but that does not make me desparate, and I will not put my own wants and needs aside.  I am still looking for THE ONE. Just as I believe I will beat this damn cancer, I also have to believe there is a man who can be by my side through the whole ordeal and perhaps show me a strength I never knew existed. Willing to accept the outcome no matter what is is.  That is my wish.  An undying love.

I pray God brings him to me, but if it never happens then I know God has his reasons.