June 10, 2006 – Saturday – Doing some catch up

….and I don’t mean getting nasty with the red stuff we like to put on our fries. Since my last posting, been through some shit. Will make it as short as possible for me, and you know how difficult that is if you know me. let’s see…. saw that third Doctor. Dr. Browne, really liked her too. Learned my cancer would not be responsive to the Herceptin treatment, so that was no longer an option. She also gave me the same prognosis about the cancer being terminal- at least she said I had between two to three years. Like that added year option. There is also a drug coming up for clinical trials in about a month, she is going to apply on my behalf to see if I might be accepted as a possible candidate. So far the drug tests have shown to be very positive. If I am accepted then my current method of treatment will be stopped and I would start the Avestran in conjunction with chemo. Yes I will lose my hair. UGH! She said it most likely would not cure me, but could give me an advantage of a few more years, like maybe 5 years. That’s all good, but that really is not important since I refuse to accept any of that time prognosis stuff. (call it denial if you want, but that’s okay with me, who the hell wants to accept a death sentence). See I have replaced fear with faith. I also started Zometa Therapy which is a drug similar to chemotherapy, just for the bone cancer. Oh my good GOD that was my closest interaction with the devil I am sure. They told me I might have mild bone pain where ever the cancer is once this med reaches those locations. It would last about 24 hours. There were other side effects but most people are not effected by them. Well, I am NOT most people. THEY LIED! Within hours I was throwing up. I barely made it through my radiation treatment that day. Pain started to set in, and by the next morning I was pretty much paralyzed. I awoke and could not turn over or even reach my phone to call my son for help. and I had to tinkle pretty badly. I lay there until he finally came in to check on me. I could barely speak because it hurt to bad for my lungs to even move. By that evening I could get myself up out of bed, very painful, but all the same at least I could make it to the bath room on my own, and then the vomiting set in again. Oh and my nose started bleeding and did not stop for two days. You name it I had every side effect there was and then some that were not listed, like the nose bleed, and this damn itching that has not stopped since the treatment two weeks ago. It took me about a week and a half to start to feel better after that, and I finished my radiation a week ago too. I only have to have the Zometa Therapy once a month Thank Goodness, but I am definitely not looking forward to the next one by no means. If it has the same effect, I don’t think I will do that anymore. Have to be allergic or something. I don’t know. Had my monthly blood work on Wed, and my first PET scan since all the treatments have been started (three months). Will know the results this coming Thursday. I just pray they show positive signs that we have been able to kill some of the cancer and that none has spread. Keep your fingers crossed!

As for my over all well being. I am doing pretty darn good. I have dealt with the blow and moved on. I am not going to live in the shadow of death. I am simply just going to LIVE! Enjoying every moment I can. As I have said before my children are amazingly strong, and they have digested this the same as I have. Let’s just get what we can out of time. So next month we are heading to a beach house for a week. Something we have always done, and not about to stop now. Labor Day weekend we are heading to Lake Lanier in GA (a Resort area) and staying on a party boat for the weekend. Skyelar won’t be coming with us on that one. It can get pretty wild and naked people and stuff. Need I say more. We are going to break my older daughters boyfriend in good to the Redneck Yacht Club. lol. Then come October we will be taking a Cruise for mine and Justin’s birthdays -being that they are only 2 days apart. Lots of people going, should be a blast. Especially since we will be out in the middle of the ocean right in the middle of hurricane season. fun, fun, fun.

One thing I put some thought into today. Kerry left comments on two of my blogs and something she said made me realize how stress free my life is now. I do not harbor negative feelings, and I can’t honestly remember the last time I was really mad. Can’t even count the other day when I was going to chase down the big fat guy in the jeep who made a crude comment to me. After I beat his ass I was going to tell him, “Hey can’t we all just get along, all we need is love”. lol. But in reality I just handle things with ease these days, and I guess all those little things just don’t get to me anymore. And if something does bother me, I guess I just deal with it on the spot, (like beating up the fat man), not going to let anything settle in to become something bigger that should have never mattered at all.

There is really something to the whole ordeal, to live like you are dying. I do not mean that in a morbid way. I can’t really explain it, but the world has lifted off my shoulders and everything seems possible now. So I speak sweeter, I love deeper and I gave forgiveness I had been denying. I will see the Rocky mountains, I will hopefully get to Sky dive, but I think I will stay off the bull named Fu man chu. My bull riding days are over.

I am me, I am back and I am bad. Well not really so bad. Well as bad as I want to be. There are still some tables I have not danced on, and some fine asses I have not touched!