March 18th, 2006 [Saturday] The Fear of Cancer Takes Residence

The Fear of Cancer Sets in!!!

I walked in the Doctor’s office one day with severe back problems and came out with Cancer. Who would have thought that “one” day would change my life forever. So if your reading this blog it won’t be so optimistic. See the fear of it all has set in, against my better judgment and no matter how hard I have tried to stay strong and positive, it just has not worked. I have always faced all challenges in my life with little or no fear, so this is something entirely new to me, just as the cancer that has caused it.

Let me start here. I have never been claustrophobic. I went through the MRI with no problems, and that even included my headed being locked down in a cage like thing. Then the bone scan came long, and I kind of freaked out a little during that process when I opened my eyes and realized the screen was one inch from my face inside that tube. Felt a racing heart, sweaty hands and uneasy feeling. Then the PET scan. That is a much larger opening, even open on both ends. Not really too close to my face. They started with the lower part of my body and I could feel myself starting to get scared from the minute the machine started. The closer my head got to the tube, I basically felt panic like I was going to hyperventilate. I asked if they could stop it periodically, and they said NO. So I had to go forward. Let’s just say I did not like it at all. And since that day, that overwhelming sense of panic sets in at any given time. If I even start to think of those tests, my heart races,and I gasp for air as I start to feel like I am in a very small confined space. I was watching the SIMPSONS and Homer fell down a crevice in the earth and got stuck and I freaked out. So with all that the true feeling of fear of the unknown soon followed. I have since learned I guess it is very common with cancer patients to have panic attacks. I guess that is what I am experiencing. It is terrifying to wake up in the middle of the night scared to death and all alone. Just wishing there was someone there to hold me. But there is not… so there are many conversations between God and me, as I am crying hysterically begging and praying for him to take away the fear.

Now on to the tears they fall at a moments notice. Something I can not control either. Little things make me cry, and I start to think of my children living a life without me. The biggest fear is that my 10 year old will forget me, like she has not had enough time with me yet to remember my quirky funny side. Or learn the things from me that she really needs to learn. She is handling this so well it amazes me, she is so strong. She wants to start a video to ask me all the things she can think of that might come up in her life one day, and with tears pouring down my face I told her I already planned on making such a video. I know that all makes it seem so final, like I have given up but I have not. Only being realistic, if such a prognosis comes my way. I don’t know the outcome just yet, and I won’t know until one day the doctor’s tell me my cancer is in remission. I pray so hard for that day!!

Just as I pray For God to continue to be my crutch, and hold me up as I make this journey into the unknown.

Then there is the weight loss. The cancer diet sucks. I have lost 15 pounds already in 5 weeks and I have not even started chemo. I really worry about that, because I need to be as healthy as possible when I under go that part of all this. I keep trying to convince myself to wake up each day and pretend all is well, and act normal but that never comes to pass. The nausea sets in. No appetite at all. When French fries have no taste to me, you know there is something wrong! My taste buds are all messed up. All I can taste in bread is yeast- UGH! Got a bite of a pickle tonight and you would have thought I just swallowed poison. Strange.

Now the good news. Since I have been on the one cancer med, my pain has subsided drastically. I actually weaned myself off all pain meds over the past two weeks. Figured if I could get by without them the better for the time being. Now the Hot flushes caused from the cancer med is a whole other story. Jeez they happen all the time, soak me at night, then I freeze from being all wet. back and forth, back and forth. But my particular breast cancer feeds off of estrogen, so the cancer med is killing all the estrogen in my body. It’s like self induced menopause. Not fun. Now that I am thinking about it maybe that is why I am crying so much. hummm. glad we had this talk, now I can blame the crying on that.

I know this is long, but I have not been on line in a while and I guess I just had much to say. The best part is, I feel good right now, I feel normal.