March 21, 2006 [Tuesday] I hit the ground and got back up and back in the fight

Hopefully I can make it through this without falling to sleep, I got 2 hours sleep last night and took 2 sleeping pills about 30 minutes ago and they are moving in quick. So I will stick to the basics. There was nothing to be alarmed about from the PET scan results. Over all showed what we already assumed. The best news is that the Tamoxifen cancer med I am on is working.(Praise Jesus). When I told the Dr that I had weaned myself off all pain meds over the past two weeks, he was astounded. When I described how the pain threshold had reduced by about 80%, again he was shocked. Told him I did not want those drugs in my body unless I absolutely need them, so for the time being I can deal with the pain that still exist. It’s tolerable. He said from that alone showed the amazing proof that this is working. He never expected the pain to have lessened this quickly. So the med is doing its job attacking all the cancer it can find through my body. Then he examined my breast to see any changes that might have taken place there as well. And sure enough he saw changes. I my self  thought there were positive changes in the cancer mass, but wondered if I was just trying to see a positive change, like to convince myself it was working, and maybe there were no real changes, but he immediately saw and could feel the difference. I really love my Doctor. He is like chatting with a friend, and very personable, willing to joke me with. Like I can just walk in the room and lift my shirt and say “want to see my boob”, and can get a good laugh out of him. We are using the boob to gage how the meds are working by keeping track of the size of the mass, and any reduction in size. My boob has become a medical tool, lol. Hey at least it’s still there. So for now we are going to hope it does attack the cancer that was found in the membrane around my right lung, if that should become stubborn than I would need traditional chemo for that part. So he gave me great news today and his attitude made the world of difference as well. We talked about the Panic Attack, and he did say they are very normal. I told him how they would just freak me out and scare me so badly, but I felt it was myself causing them from fear. But once I found out most all cancer patients have them, funny thing is mine stopped recently. It was like okay, if everyone has them, I don’t need or want them. And the whole crying all the time is def because of the meds, again not a weakness on my part, or threat to my strength and positive attitude to fight this. Just uncontrollable because of the meds chemically inducing menopause. Hormones are crazy. So today I started Zoloft, not for depression, but for the serotonin that can help with the hormone craziness. So hopefully the tears will stop, until then we just laugh at them now. He did tell me today that I am going to beat this. Those words alone made my day. He told me I was making great strides with my attitude, my outlook, taking care of myself and never accepting to just sit it out. I have the courage to hit it head on.

Radiation will come soon. They are planning a daily session of three rounds everyday for three weeks, Hit it hard and intense. My spine is so riddled with cancer that has weakened the bones, that by simply bending over could cause a bone to break. So the sooner the radiation the better so the main skeletal bones have a chance to heal and start to re-calcify. So until then I am a broken woman walking. I just need to get a shirt made that says “Breakable”. The slightest stress could cause my back to break. Jeez, like I need that going on too.

So there ya go. Good news, keep those prayers coming, they seem to be working. Thank you all so much for writing to me with your words of wisdom, your heart felt sentiments and your prayers. It has been an uplifting experience to see what total strangers can do. I will never forget this. Because when I read such  email, it brightens my day and I feel truly blessed.

So Angela is back and I am ready to fight. I will continue to care for my over all well being, and keep trying to make myself stronger with each new day. Pull myself up by my boot straps and keep on. I want to live something close to a normal life with cancer, I refuse to let cancer live my life. I refuse to be reduced by it.

This morning as I stepped out on to my back porch I soon noticed two pots of annuals I had planted last spring were in full growth and full of color from the flowers. They did it all on their own. They sat there over the winter months died down and I never fertilized them or watered them lately, and yet there they were. Just for me. That started my day, this first day of spring with beautiful flowers. They did it all on their own and are just as pretty as last year. As I walked out the door to head to the Dr. appt, I felt good about it. Had Justin drive with his truck windows down just to feel the wind on my face and the wind in my hair. Figured while I have hair enjoy those little things. It was such a beautiful day!!

And the next thing. Justin and I found a Tiki bar we want to buy. We had planned on building one for our back yard, but this one is of bamboo and just love it. Then there is a large Mayan fire bowl as well, and buying outdoor furniture to set around the fire bowl. Justin will be installing my new two person hammock tomorrow. With all that, I can see some pretty nice get togethers over the summer, right in my back yard. Any one for a Mai Tia?