May 22, 2006 – Monday – MY TIME IS LIMITED

 

12:47 AM – My time is limited….

So this has been a pretty rough week. Let’s start out in the mind of a terminally ill person. That would be me. I was told this past week that the cancer is incurable. You know the initial shock of learning I had cancer did not hit me so hard, because I held on to the belief that I could fight this. But after these 3 months of treatment and another doctor reviewing my case said those words to me. Well, it all became new to me, it hit me hard. For the first time… I was told I was going to die. I did everything I could not to cry in front of him. I refused to let him see he had taken my hope and my strength away in a simple breath. We discussed my continued treatments that will prolong my life for a while. He could not give me a time frame. His best guess was in the next two years, if I am able to maintain my current health status. He just said at some point the cancer will start spreading to my major organs and there won’t be no stopping it then. I thanked him for not sugar coating anything, for being honest with me. Then as I shook his hand, I said “There are still such things as miracles”. He shrugged his shoulder and gave me a half hearted smile.

I never thought I would be saying that I am terminally ill. I am slowly dying, just a little quicker then most of you. It has put so much pressure on my life. Pressure to do more. Wishing I had done more. Of course wishing I had more time. Damn it, I am way too young to die. And my 10 year old daughter is way too young to lose her mother. For the first time I really have to say this just really is not fair!!!

So needless to say this week has been something. I can’t really explain what I am going through and how I truly feel. I think only those that have been told the same thing could possibly know. Memories just keep playing on the walls of my mind. A few regrets have surfaced. And all I can think about is what I will miss in the lives of my children and my future grandchildren. My father died before his grandchildren came along. So he never saw them, and unfortunately for them they never got to know him. How wicked is this web, that the same thing will go for my own grandchildren. Now I have instructed my two older children that they need to marry and have babies within the next two years. We’ll see how that goes. lol. Especially since it would be nice for LaTrisha to graduate from college as well in that time frame. Now as for Skye my 10 yr old. Getting her some genius tutors so maybe she can graduate from high school by then. Okay, maybe that’s too much pressure on their lives, but only proof of what I would miss out on.

Okay, all that is based on me dying, and well I am just not ready to do that just yet. Took me most the week to regroup and still not all together there. Cry a lot. But no matter what they say I still intend to fight this. As I said once before, I just refuse to believe I am going to die. So now I have to look at this even more aggressively, and seek out those alternative and unconventional methods of treatment. Which means money, but somehow I will try to get that. Already working on one. Raising the PH alkalinity in my body. Supposedly cancer can not survive in a high alkaline body. Right now my acid is high which is open invitation to disease. The stuff I need to take is going to cost over $510.00 a month. But I am willing to try anything that has some medical research backing.

The tears that fall upon my cheeks are still hot. They are a gentle reminder of the fire I have inside. That burning desire to live. I don’t want to be remembered for the way I died, I want to be remembered for the way I lived!

So doing things that I have always wanted to do has more urgency now as well. Got to plan some trips with my kids to see the Grand Canyon, Bahama’s, Italy. Even want to see Graceland. Just do what our heart desires. And love them to death. One thing I have not done since school is act. I use to love drama. So I want to audition for a local theatrical group. I also want to take voice/singing lessons. I actually have a pretty nice voice, can sing fairly well. I just want to learn how to control it and make it better. That could come in handy in that there play, especially if it is a musical. lol. Guess I should get busy on that book too, may not be able to finish it the way I wanted. Wanted the last chapter to be about me finding the love of my life, but may not have time to wait for that. Then there is that children’s novel I started like 13 or 14 years ago. Never finished it, maybe I should. Microon is probably reaching the surface of the earth by now. Wow, I have lots of work to do. Guess I should get going. Because all I have is the here and the now!

Oh, one week of radiation behind me. Glad I had the weekend break, it really did take its toll. Getting three doses a day (five days a week) completely drained me. Made me extremely fatigued, and Saturday I was nauseated as well. Earlier in the week the radiation to my neck made my glands swell, almost like having the mumps, but that has went down now. It all starts over again tomorrow, for another week. And I also see my third Oncologist Doctor tomorrow. One I have not seen yet. She is supposed to oversee new therapies, such as the Herceptin. We’ll see what she has to say. And we’ll see how I feel after my second week of radiation. ugh!

Peace and all Good things