Sept. 27th, 2006 ~ Circumstances of events!

So things have not been going so wonderful as of late.  As Much as I  try to hide the reality of what is going on, it serves no true purpose in the long run. Eventually it will all come out, whether I want it to or not and whether anyone else wants to hear it or not. I am sure it may enlighten a few as to what might be playing out within my head, since I tend to keep much of that hidden these days. I normally would be more concerned with YOUR well being,  So I suppose the only real person I am trying to protect is my myself. Is that vain?  Is that self serving?   Just been sitting on it all for days.  Strange as it is, that I normally do just the opposite.  I would much rather see what I can do for someone else.  Who’s heart needs a listening to0, or shoulders need a hug.  That is my kind a fixing’s.  Unfortunately this time I need to accept it is me that is in dire need of others.   Not a position I find myself proudly in the confines of.

Going off course for a bit to touch upon open wounds.  At a time when I thought I had found some others whom understand me.  Who listened to me, and truly learned what I was all about. I thought they knew where I was coming from and my battle cry. To know when I was not right, hear the labored pain within the breathes I took …To know I would hide it as best I could, before I would reveal the truth. They were not there. As we all live our lives, we come to expect friends to count on.  I have often not, because of a fear of mistrust and being let down.  Unfortunately I did open up and it has since come back on me.

Kinda learned about this MySpace world that some seem to take way to serious.  When one might be more concerned over how often I dropped by his page and did not leave a comment; over the fact I had just given him a run down of all the negative things that had been happening to me, and well I have cancer, so when one mentions “I have not been feeling well at all”, what might that intend.? And yet get no response from that?  That perhaps means I need to share my heart felt ill or well being with someone else?  Ya think?

So on that note.  Things are not looking good at all.  There has been things happening that are above and beyond the normal stuff I have been through. A whole new set of problems and concerns. My over-all health seems to be deteriorating rapidly.  So much of the pain has returned on a daily basis.  Really sucks. I am back to taking pain medication pretty much on schedule.  Does not take away the pain, but takes away the edginess from the pain. So severe neck pain, just stays and the right hip pain is pretty severe, makes walking  ‘far from a kindly jaunt’  in the park on a cool brisk day.

With all faith, I truly pray I will get through this.  I will be seeing the oncologist early next week.  I fear my new lab and other results are going to be at their worst.  Like I said there are a few other things going on female related I have not gone into. Just got to see if it all fits together, because it sure in the hell ain’t right!  Top it off with the meds making me gain weight.  Yeah, just what a girl wants to experience, when she is already feeling like shit. Oh yea, best friggin negative news, is that I am losing my fucking mind. Really keep losing big chunks of my memory.  Embarrassing when someone states they discussed something serious with me and well, I have no recollection of it at all. It’s pretty scary too. Not a good feeling.  But I have read about it so I know it is not completely abnormal.  Usually with those that have been fighting cancer longer however.  So that scares  me. again. 

I am so terrified to letting on to the kids that anything is abnormal, I try my best to cover it all up right now, until I know more. 

Just gotta divulge what info is needed when needed.  The biggest shit is that I am so damn tired of going through all this alone.  It really sucks, and takes a lot out of you, when you have no one to lean on and hold you up when times get tough ~ always!